Dear Sir or Madam,
I am completely unprepared to work under pressure or overtime, unless it is heftily paid. I honestly couldn’t care less about your company’s goals, unless my salary covers all my current expenses, and allows a little something for clothes, books, travel, sports, going out and having fun as well. My motto is: you get what you pay for.
Also, I am perfectly not interested in the fact that your company has problems, so I expect you to pay all your obligations on time and to also leave me alone during state holidays and during my vacation. It is quite probable I will leave you as soon as I find something better.
I am very communicative with nice and well-behaved people, but with idiots my temper tends to be short. I am able to curse in a number of languages, but I do serious conversation and correspondence in Croatian and English only. And please spare me your oh-but-we-are-a-multinational-corporation shit, because even these two languages are too much for you.
It took me about a hundred years to graduate, but I consider it a success that I’ve finished my studies at all in this country as it is. Whatever I don’t know, I will learn, I’m not stupid. I keep learning without you as well, because I’m curious and I believe life makes sense even if you don’t kill yourself with work.
I react to positive stimulation only. Please don’t try to suffocate me with testing and team-building nonsense. If you do pretend to be big shots by insisting on this western rubbish, you should offer western pay and working conditions as well.
And, yes, there are things that I would do out of pure enthusiasm, but I regret to inform you it will not happen on the job that you offer.* This a joke popular in the Balkans, variously described as a Croatian, Bosnian, Serbian or Montenegrin CV. I don’t know who the author is, but I’ve translated it so you could laugh with us too.